On Marriage

Marriage has been a little "in my face" lately. I love being married. I actually find it hard now to recall what if felt like to not be married. At times, I will admit and potentially be crucified for doing so, I wonder at the ease of the childless individuals around me. I never muse about bachelorhood.

Last week I was listening to an extended segment on the news about Washington States' governor and her turn around on gay marriage. The interviewer was discussing marriage and what made it significant and important and in a passing manner mentioned a sense of immortality. I had never appreciated marriage consciously that way before, but it was a powerful statement. Now I know what you are thinking, "they must have meant children, they are your one shot at immortality." My child is almost two, but even at that tender age, she's her own woman. She may carry me in her heart, but she is an entity unto herself, and she will blaze her own trail. Besides the interview was about same sex marriage. Adoption and fertility interventions aside, children are not the primary issue in same sex marriage .

Then, this morning, I went to my parents' church. The sermon was dealing entirely with marriage, and family. Not as compelling an analysis of the union, but a reminder all the same.

So, I've been thinking about my marriage, and why I love it so much, and why people denied it are fighting so hard for it. Something became clear to me. I love my wife, and I love our marriage. She is my partner in creating the marriage, but I value it, of its own accord. As far as immortality, I'm sure there are great marriages and crap marriages. I'm fortunate enough to have a great marriage. However, I want to focus on the universal attributes that make marriage a fascinating thing.

Marriage is a contract. Its commitment is supported with the full force of the law of the land. It is sacred. Marriage is supported, in many forms, by most major faith communities. Marriage is efficient--elegant. Marriage is one of the few manifestations of social norms supporting natural human behavior. I'm not saying humans are like flamingos that mate for life either (that cold occupy a post of its own).

So enough with the concrete, let's get existential! Here I can only speak for my experience, and those of individuals I've closely observed. Marriage is magic! Its immortal quality comes from it's gestalt characteristics. We all wish the companies we work for, or the charities we support, or the churches we attend, or the community theaters in which we participate could be more than the sum of their parts. They may approach that . . . we may work for Apple. But for those of us who do not commute to the temple of Steve Jobs, hope abides. I'm not trying to celebrate the fact that rent and budgets seldom double when households combine. I'm not even referring to the obvious help and support that comes from living with a partner. Roommates, and or attentive pets can do this. Marriage when entered into with the gravity appropriate to the magnitude of it's power can transform two individuals into one,

This is true for healthy and unhealthy unions. It transcends culture, creed and religion. I'm not sure I have a metaphor readily available to illuminate this point. Everything seems trite. Combine two great motorcycles into one bad-ass chopper, combine yeast, grain, and hops (if you're into the Newt Gingrich style union) and get beer. Combine wind and rain and get the Grand Canyon. Whatever analogy suits you. But these all fall short to my mind, because they signify complete transformation of the ingredient parts. In my experience, I'm still me, and Deanna is still herself. There is just a a by-product. For me it is joy. For others it might be security, or satisfaction, or all of the above. Having a steady supply of joy has transformed me though, in small and substantial ways.

I'm not sure that I've done a good job explaining my sense of this thing. But I had found myself, before being married asking myself, what is the big deal? If homosexuals want to get married, let them get married. Through my experience I have come to understand both sides of the argument better. Marriage is much more than a contract, or a civil union. I understand why the conservatives want to preserve it. It's special. I must say though. The part of the magic of marriage is that though it is recognized by society, it is built by two partners. No one else's marriage need affect mine. And, more importantly. The more partners a society supports in their quest to spontaneously manufacture joy, peace, security, strength, etc, the stronger that society will be,

I'm excited for four of mine and Deanna's close friends who will be getting married this year. They are all four pretty impressive individuals. I'm excited to see what they become together. As for me, I know Quinn will carry on my name. But when Deanna and I are long gone, I imagine the joy generated between us will abide.