Spear Fishing

I've tried spear fishing twice now with my buddy Dave. It is certainly fascinating, and exciting. Also, it seems sustainable. It is also barbaric, and that may be part of the appeal. I'm interested in prusuing it, but its values seem conflicted in my mind. I'm interested in comments...

Chicken and Egg Theory

I hate to seem so lazy as to post about similar issues in short succession, but time is limited, and my the mind fixates . . . This can however be widely applied.... I try to be a good husband. It's not hard (to try). My wife and I have few hard and fast rules--no beer limits, no surfing policies, no working hours limitations, etc. We don't even really have guidelines. We have expectations though, and they are expressed in praise. For some reason whenever Deanna praises me as a good husband, I'm immediately on the moon. And motivated to get their again. Each affirmation that I have met or exceeded expectations motivates me to strive. I'm not sure if it is the same for her, but I am certain of this, her praise has created and environment of praise. I try to return it in a way that communicates my delight in what she has communicated to me. I'll never be able to remember who offered the first token of praise. The first person to express, "I expected this of a mate and you have surpassed my expectations." But it has been a clear path from there. I think it stems from politeness. Politeness seems underrated in our culture. Driven forceful individuals are rewarded with money and status. Graciousness is often seen as weakness. I would insist the contrary. Graciousness comes from a position of bounty--wealth. To allow for the weakness of others with a joyful heart, and a kind word, is a sign of strength. To be generous with ones self is a mark of self assurance. It is the same with my clients. Those who are never satisfied motivate me to finish their jobs with the least interaction necessary. Those who genuinely seem to appreciate my efforts end up with a product that is better, if for no other reason than it was joyfully produced. Additionally, it is difficult to justify billing an hour spent receiving praise for a job well done. Whereas every nagging phone call from an unsatisfiable client must be accounted. The opposite is also unfortunately true. If a sickly chicken or a rotten egg is layed, the accounting can be devastating. Once the cycle of disappointment has been commenced, it is nearly impossible to reverse. Once the move has been made to a track of criticism, changing course can be difficult. When attacked, or even gently called into question, the impulse to defend is powerful. Kind criticism and reasonable defense may be effective negotiating positions. They may even lead to success. They are however, not fun.

On Marriage

Marriage has been a little "in my face" lately. I love being married. I actually find it hard now to recall what if felt like to not be married. At times, I will admit and potentially be crucified for doing so, I wonder at the ease of the childless individuals around me. I never muse about bachelorhood.

Last week I was listening to an extended segment on the news about Washington States' governor and her turn around on gay marriage. The interviewer was discussing marriage and what made it significant and important and in a passing manner mentioned a sense of immortality. I had never appreciated marriage consciously that way before, but it was a powerful statement. Now I know what you are thinking, "they must have meant children, they are your one shot at immortality." My child is almost two, but even at that tender age, she's her own woman. She may carry me in her heart, but she is an entity unto herself, and she will blaze her own trail. Besides the interview was about same sex marriage. Adoption and fertility interventions aside, children are not the primary issue in same sex marriage .

Then, this morning, I went to my parents' church. The sermon was dealing entirely with marriage, and family. Not as compelling an analysis of the union, but a reminder all the same.

So, I've been thinking about my marriage, and why I love it so much, and why people denied it are fighting so hard for it. Something became clear to me. I love my wife, and I love our marriage. She is my partner in creating the marriage, but I value it, of its own accord. As far as immortality, I'm sure there are great marriages and crap marriages. I'm fortunate enough to have a great marriage. However, I want to focus on the universal attributes that make marriage a fascinating thing.

Marriage is a contract. Its commitment is supported with the full force of the law of the land. It is sacred. Marriage is supported, in many forms, by most major faith communities. Marriage is efficient--elegant. Marriage is one of the few manifestations of social norms supporting natural human behavior. I'm not saying humans are like flamingos that mate for life either (that cold occupy a post of its own).

So enough with the concrete, let's get existential! Here I can only speak for my experience, and those of individuals I've closely observed. Marriage is magic! Its immortal quality comes from it's gestalt characteristics. We all wish the companies we work for, or the charities we support, or the churches we attend, or the community theaters in which we participate could be more than the sum of their parts. They may approach that . . . we may work for Apple. But for those of us who do not commute to the temple of Steve Jobs, hope abides. I'm not trying to celebrate the fact that rent and budgets seldom double when households combine. I'm not even referring to the obvious help and support that comes from living with a partner. Roommates, and or attentive pets can do this. Marriage when entered into with the gravity appropriate to the magnitude of it's power can transform two individuals into one,

This is true for healthy and unhealthy unions. It transcends culture, creed and religion. I'm not sure I have a metaphor readily available to illuminate this point. Everything seems trite. Combine two great motorcycles into one bad-ass chopper, combine yeast, grain, and hops (if you're into the Newt Gingrich style union) and get beer. Combine wind and rain and get the Grand Canyon. Whatever analogy suits you. But these all fall short to my mind, because they signify complete transformation of the ingredient parts. In my experience, I'm still me, and Deanna is still herself. There is just a a by-product. For me it is joy. For others it might be security, or satisfaction, or all of the above. Having a steady supply of joy has transformed me though, in small and substantial ways.

I'm not sure that I've done a good job explaining my sense of this thing. But I had found myself, before being married asking myself, what is the big deal? If homosexuals want to get married, let them get married. Through my experience I have come to understand both sides of the argument better. Marriage is much more than a contract, or a civil union. I understand why the conservatives want to preserve it. It's special. I must say though. The part of the magic of marriage is that though it is recognized by society, it is built by two partners. No one else's marriage need affect mine. And, more importantly. The more partners a society supports in their quest to spontaneously manufacture joy, peace, security, strength, etc, the stronger that society will be,

I'm excited for four of mine and Deanna's close friends who will be getting married this year. They are all four pretty impressive individuals. I'm excited to see what they become together. As for me, I know Quinn will carry on my name. But when Deanna and I are long gone, I imagine the joy generated between us will abide.